I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
