i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
