just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
