Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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