oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
