I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
