overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
