Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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