i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
