Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
