My underwear smells like fireworks.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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