things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
