Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
