Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
