Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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