The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
