My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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