My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
