I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
