weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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