My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
