also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
