Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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