If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
