Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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