now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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