Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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