Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Enjoy the penises
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