Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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