why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I puked a lego.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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