I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
