I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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