the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
