Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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