I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
