Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
