Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
