He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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