i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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