You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
