see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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