Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I need a burrito and a hug.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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