My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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