i think my tv is drunk
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I intend to get homeless drunk
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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