Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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