i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Randomize
