Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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