mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You dont lie about slip and slides
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
