He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
