Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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