I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
