Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
