I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
